[nukkad] Excellent Literary Work

[sudeepg@nse.co.in]

>>>  Laugh your guts out !
>>>
>>> > RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR:
>>> > You know that book. Men are from Mars, Women from Venus?
>>> > Well, here's a prime example of that.  This assignment was
>>> > actually turned in by two of my English students:  Rebecca - last
>>> > name deleted and Gary - last name deleted.
>>> > > >>
>>> > English 44A
>>> > SMU
>>> > Creative Writing
>>> > Prof. Miller
>>> > >
>>> > In-class Assignment for Wednesday
>>> > Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.
>>> > The process is simple.  Each person will pair off with the person
>>> > sitting to his or her immediate right.  One of you will then write
>>> > the first paragraph of a short story.  The partner will read the
>>> > first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story.  The
>>> > first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and
>>> > forth.  Remember to re-read what has been written each time in
>>> > order to keep the story coherent.  The story is over when both
>>> > agree a conclusion has been reached.
>>> > >
>>> > >------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted.
>>> > The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings
>>> > at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in
>>> > happier times, that he liked chamomile.  But she felt she must
>>> > now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl.  His possessiveness
>>> > was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her
>>> > asthma started acting up again.  So chamomile was out of the
>>> > question.
>>> > >------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack
>>> > squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to
>>> > think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo
>>> > named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a
>>> > year ago.  "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his
>>> > transgalactic communicator.  "Polar orbit established. No sign of
>>> > resistance so far..."  But before he could sign off a bluish
>>> > particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through
>>> > his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him
>>> > flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
>>> > >------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he
>>> > felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one
>>> > woman who had ever had feelings for him.  Soon afterwards, Earth
>>> > stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of
>>> > Skylon 4.  "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and
>>> > Space Travel."  Laurie read in her newspaper one morning.  The
>>> > news simultaneously excited  her and bored her.  She stared out
>>> > the window, dreaming of her  youth, when the days had passed
>>> > unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no
>>> > television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder
>>> > at all the beautiful things around her.  "Why must one lose one's
>>> > innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
>>> > > >>------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live.
>>> > Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership
>>> > launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles.  The dim-
>>> > witted wimp peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament
>>> > Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the
>>> > hostile
>>> > alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race.  Within
two
>>> > hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on
>>> > course
>>> > for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire
>>> > planet.  With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their
>>> > diabolical plan.  The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere
>>> > unimpeded.  The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
>>> > headquarters
>>> > on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably
massive
>>> > explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans.  The
>>> > President slammed his fist on the conference table.  "We can't allow
>>> > this!
>>> > I'm going to veto that treaty!  Let's blow'em out of the sky!"
>>> > ------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > This is absurd.  I refuse to continue this mockery of literature.  My
>>> > writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
>>> > ------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > Yeah?  Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts
at
>>> > writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
>>> > ------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > Asshole.
>>> > ------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > Bitch.
>>> >

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Sent By:            sudeepg@nse.co.in
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