[nukkad] Politically Correct Hypocrite?

[Goyal Nitin <>]

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tip of the day:  Never piss off those who handle your food or money, or have access 
to your bedroom - Don W.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Politically Correct Hypocrite?

I swear an oath on my honor as a hypocrite that...
I will cuss cows but eat beef, blast miners but wear jewelry and drive a car
but condemn oil companies.
I don't want trees cut for any purpose other than to provide the lumber for
my next house.  As a Hollywood celebrity I assert my God given right to sire
at least four children by three different wives and then protest about
overpopulation in the world.

I will put fish first by saving the sucker and salmon, but not the farmers
and ranchers who feed me.  I demand that politicians and federal judges in
Washington save all endangered species, except the small business man.  I
feel government is imminently qualified to micro- manage nature, after all,
look what a smashing job they've done with the IRS, EPA, USDA, FBI, BLM and
assorted other alphabet agencies.

As a self-righteous hypocrite it is my duty to celebrate Earth Day with
barbecues and parades and by leaving tons of trash behind.  I demand that
feedlots and farms stop polluting our ground water.  That privilege should
be preserved for me every time I flush the contents of my toilet into a
septic tank or the ocean.

I want to relocate grizzly bears and wolves to the West but not in my
big-city backyard.  After all, people live here!  I give my permission for
mountains lions to eat lambs but if a lion eats my dog or cat I demand the
abominable beast be shot on sight.

I will cuss oil companies on talk radio and stand in the way of their
drilling more wells while sitting in my gas guzzling SUV with the engine
running.  I will write letters to the editor on my computer castigating
utility companies for not providing enough electricity.  At the same time I
will send money to green groups who want to tear down hydroelectric dams and
stand in the way of any new power producing projects.

I avow at the next cocktail party I attend while smoking a cigarette and
sipping a martini that I will sue the tobacco companies for causing my lung
cancer.

Although I have never personally milked a cow or grown vegetables in a
garden I demand to have a say on how farmers and ranchers do it.  As a
pompous hypocrite I demand that water, herbicides, and pesticides be taken
away from farmers immediately, but I don't want it to affect the price,
quantity or quality of the food I buy in the store.  It is my strongly held
conviction that we should ban all pesticides, except the can of bug spray I
use to kill ants and other unwanted bugs in my home.

As a mealy-mouthed hypocrite I vow to help stop global warming by watching
the Discovery Channel on my giant sized television in my air-conditioned
house.

I assert that cattle pooping on our nation's grasslands is a national
disgrace while fertilizing my urban lawn with steer manure and urea is
simply good ecology.  I will complain about fertilizer runoff from farms but
not from golf courses because I happen to be a golfer.

I will hound hunters in the woods because they use guns despite the fact
that hunting groups have increased habitat and wildlife numbers.  I demand
that the government end all timber cutting or recovery in our national
forests but I'll cry like a singed coyote if the feds allow wildfires to
burn near my house.

As a card-carrying hypocrite I disavow the use of fur, leather, wool and all
animal by-products, except the ones used in medicine that might save my
life.  I demand labels be placed on all food products but not on a rock
album that endorses killing cops.

Finally, as an arrogant and self-serving hypocrite I firmly believe that
rural folks have done a terrible job of taking care of the countryside and
they must do a better job because that's where I want to live or visit
someday when I can escape the pollution, crime, and insanity of the barren
big city in which I currently reside.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To Subscribe [Unsubscribe] send a blank message to 
        nukkad-list-request@mumbai-central.com 
with the word 'subscribe' ['unsubscribe'] (without quotes) in the Subject 
of your message.
The list is archived at  http://www.mumbai-central.com/nukkad/archive.html