[nukkad] Who should you marry?

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Who should you marry?If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're
getting married, they will say: "We're in love." I believe is the first
mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be
based on love alone. Though this may sound not politically correct, there's
a profound truth here. Love alone is not the basis for getting married.
Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients
are right, then the love will come.
Let me say it again: You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone.
You need a lot more! Here are five questions you must ask yourself if
you're
serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION 1: Do we share a common life purpose? Why is this so important?
Let
me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long
time
to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time?
Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more
meaningful. You need a common life purpose. Two things can happen in a
marriage.
You can grow together, or you can grow apart. Fifty-per cent of the people
out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what
you want out of life and marry someone who wants the same thing. If the so
and so you're in love with doesn't want the same thing you do, you might as
well opt out of it now than when its too late.

QUESTION 2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this
person? This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship.
Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis
of
having good communication is trust, ie, trust that I won't get "punished"
or
hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine
defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express
your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure
you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION 3: Is he or she a mensch? A mensch is someone who is a refined and
sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions: Do they work
on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving
themselves? A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is
always striving to be good and do the right thing." So ask about your
significant other: What do they do with their time? Is this person
materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top
priority is character refinement. There are essentially two types of people
in the world: People who are dedicated to personal growth and people who
are
dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be
comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You
need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION 4: How does he or she treat other people? The one most important
thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving,
we
mean the ability to give another person pleasure. Ask: Is this someone who
enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and
self-absorbed?
To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom
they do not have to be nice to, such as a waiters, bus boy, taxi driver,
etc? How do they treat parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and
appreciation? Do they show respect? If they don't have gratitude for the
people who have given them everything, you cannot expect that they'll have
gratitude for you who can't do nearly as much for them! Do they gossip and
speak badly about others? Someone who gossips cannot be someone who loves
others. You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly, will
eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION 5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after
we're married? Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with
the
intention of trying to 'improve' them after they're married. As a colleague
of mine puts it, "You can probably expect someone to change after marriage
and for the worse!" If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are
now, then you are not ready to marry them. In conclusion, dating doesn't
have to be difficult and treacherous.
The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your
heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating, to be
sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues.
Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on
your
finger, you don't want to find yourself in trouble because you didn't do
your homework.
And please abide by it.







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