[nukkad] [Jokes]

["Gurunath M." <>]

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Economists are still trying to figure out why the girls with the 
least principle draw the most interest
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Nice 1s ... Njoi

Regards,
Guru

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God
doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness..


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>> >      Putting Your foot in your Mouth
>> >
>> >      Dinner Conversation:
>> >
>> >      WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
>> >      HUSBAND: Definitely not!
>> >      WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?
>> >      HUSBAND: Of course I do.
>> >      WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
>> >      HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.
>> >      WIFE: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
>> >      HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
>> >      WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
>> >      HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?
>> >      WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
>> >      HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
>> >      WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?
>> >      HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.
>> >      WIFE: - - - silence - - -
>> >      HUSBAND: Shit.

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Answering machine messages!
1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll
leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're
finished.
2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why
we're not here. So leave a message.
3. Hi. This is Jon.. If you are the phone company, I already sent the
money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my
financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you
are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I
have plenty of money.
4. "Hi. Now you say something."
5. "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you
can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."
6. "Hello. I am Jon's answering machine. What are you?"
7. (From Japanese friend) He-lo! This is Sato. If you leave message,
I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!
8. "Hi! Jon's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with
one of these magnets."
9. "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and
their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office
and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your
name and number and they will get back to you."
10. "This is not an answering machine, this is a telepathic thought
recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason
for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about
returning your call."
11. "Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
12. "Hi, this is Jon. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."
13. "If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our
weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we
probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."
14. "Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain
silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us."
15. "Hello, you've reached Jon and Brent. We can't pick up the phone
right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Brent
likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real
slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth
we'll get back to you."

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This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a
McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because
he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash


SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.


DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever's available. If I was in
a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.


DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz
style severance package. If
that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.


EDUCATION: Yes.


LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.


SALARY: Less than I'm worth.


MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.


REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.


HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.


PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.


DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more
intimate environment.


MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?


DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?


DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do
you have a car that runs?"


HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a
winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.


DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.


WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with
a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the
greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing
that now.


DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.


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