[nukkad] desi top 5 - whammy awards

["akshay p joshi" <>]

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To the question whether I am a pessimist or an optimist, I answer that
my knowledge is pessimistic, but my willing and hoping are optimistic.
-Albert Schweitzer, philosopher, physician, musician, Nobel laureate (1875-1965)
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guys n gals,
   we need to pay our obeisance to the appalling state of affairs as far as music is concerned in the contemporary era. music is being propelled towards its gory end by the endless nameless faceless countless artists who have a common thread running in the form of computer generated bhangra beats,brain-dead lyrics, plagiarism n a HOT CHICKs dancing in varying stages of undress in their music videos.

even in the face of such mediocrity I have taken pains to observe certain specimens that stand out in their contribution to the demise of music..and yes this countdown show too has its own contests and there are incentives for all u folks if u can actually brave through such writings of mine(well certainly better than braving through such music). mind u only indi-pop in this countdown baki baad main kabhi.
with this introduction I raise the curtains like a good "sutradhaar" should n "let the show begin

No 5 par hai
SUKHBIR
well gimme one good reason why one should wear goggles in the night (oh man I hate those perpetually goggled "studs" as if they represented the society of welfare for the blind or something). folks this was the dude with the remixes(pioneer is I guess Mr. baly the french bearded sagoo). this "cut surd" has turned his pagdi into a pony and lets go his burning creativity with tons of beats that drown senseless lyrics like "munde car chalonde - - nach nach ke khushi manonde - - geet punjabi gawe - -gal ban gayi ban gayi" oh my oh my harivanshrai bacchan would have given him a standing ovation for this.
PRIZE: cash prize of Rs 10 lakhs to whoever can convince him to do away with his goggles.

No 4 par hai
DALER PAAJI
well u know in my "bachpan"(childhood) my grand mom told me that some prabhu shri ram had told his dear wife sita that a "kalyug"(age of evil)shall arrive when the "hans"(swan)(by this i don’t mean mr hans raj hans(another great artist for those who dont know))shall peck at left over grains and the "kauva"(crow)shall eat "moti" (pearls). well if nothing more daler paaji has succeeded in convincing me that both shri ram chandra ji n my grandmom who believed in him were wise beyond words.
he sings like a "kauva" (crow) with a "moti"(pearl) stuck in its throat.
his "tunak tunak tun" made me quiver with pain and i I painfully realised how hell could be like. and I wonder why seismologists use complicated instruments to find the epicenter of earthquakes that have been happening with alarming regularity when the sight of Daler sahab dancing is reason enough. I wonder how nostradamus missed out this catastrophe. I wonder why my laments go in vain when I hear him sing like a buffalo in pain
I wonder n wonder n wonder n in my dardi ,I rab rab kardi & I wake up saying "hayo rabba hayo rabba" in a cold sweat sometimes at night. only to realize that it was a mehndi nightware once again.
PRIZE:cash prize of rs 20 lakhs to anyone who can make this bugger actually lose his voice(n preferably weight too)

no 3 par hai
MIKKA
with umpteen chains and flashy clothes n the rolly poly look he looks like an ugly reincarnation of bappi da(remember bappi da of the "aaayyyeee pyaar beena cheeen kaha reeee" "homne borman-da ke liye ek gaaan coompoose kiya" fame????).with a big brother DALERJI as inspiration can baby brother be far behind(for those who don’t know they are brothers n this duo is out to terrorize the world just like duryodhan n dushshasan/kar dhushan etc did some millennium back. only that these  menhdi brothers are worse)
he croaks like a toad with a sore throat n strongly believes that he is the stud of the century.often seen in videos strumming his guitar as if he were Hendrix himself, he burns sawan with his lyrics rather than the hendrix style guitar burring.("sawan main lag gayi aaag dil mera haaaaaaaan").bhagwan yeh din dikhane ke pehle mujhe utha kyon nahin liya?????. even more loathsome is his smile that says in capital letters "I know I am the stud n any chick will go weak in the knee if I am around"
PRIZE: cash prize of rest 40 lakhs to anyone who can wear more rings and chains and the rest of the jewelry that accompanies mikka on his person n YET dance like the super stud mikka.

No 2 par hai 
JAZZY "B"
"mar gaye" tere gane sunke "mar gaye" - - -with a name like jaazy b can fame be far away??? the antics of a clown ,the flashiness is his crown,the hair-do of a punk ,he stinks like a skunk and produces pure junk.
but all said n done I really loved one of his videos n used to bring my channel surfing to a full stop n stand up in attention(I don’t do so even for the national anthem mind u). before u say I appreciate his music lemme remind u that this was the video that had Celina jaitley in a proper two piece bikini - - - -OOOMMMMMPH is the word this babe is hot--- man n I would give my right hand to - - - -- (I need not say more lest asha parekh n her censor board cut down my writing into pieces)
jaazy b ke dhun,celina ka husn aur apni behaal kismet ko jaankar to hum "maar gaye"
PRIZE:rs 60 lakhs to the one who can give me one good reason or find out what good work had jazzy b done in his past life to deserve Celina in his video

no 1 par hai
ARUN KUMAR
I know that most of u don’t know this latest singing sensation but this one is NOT TO BE MISSED mark my words. I actually got together 5 people I know with a vocabulary & creative expression par excellence ,made them watch one of his videos but still all of them combined did not have enough words to describe his greatness. this humble attempt of mine is not even a sidey shadow of the true magnanimity of the calamity that has befallen the world of music. his singing can make a snorting pig sound sweeter than rafi,he dances(rather clumsily shakes his hands n feet) like a gorilla whose bottom has been pricked by a thick needle,his videos are often initially mistaken as MTV jokes(that is before the watcher realizes in all his shock that it is not)
tell u one last thing guys one last thing - -- - in life u can afford to miss an sunrise by the seadside,delicious punjabi food,the pleasure of bunking lectures,trekking in the mountains blah blah blah in fact u can also afford to miss an orgasm or still better u can "not" go to NIIT n still miss nothing - -but but but -- - if u dont see ARUN KUMAR in action "U R MISSING SOMETHING"
PRIZE:RS one crore to the person who can give me one good reason not to kill myself after having known that such a creaure called arun kumar exists and it comes on tv as a singer.

PS: also in addition to the prizes above I am giving out cash prizes for those who provide me with reviews for two wonderful movies that have taken the world by storm a) balbir pasha b)love in times square. please someone do that favor to nukkad and add to the fun n take away the prizes.

till later
 - - -Axxx
 


 



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