[nukkad] [Fwd: Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter]

[Ninad Chhaya <ninad@bom4.vsnl.net.in>]

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ragini chaturvedi wrote:
> 
> >
>  >
>  > Some thoughtful information for those who are daughters, were daughters,
>  > have daughters, intend to have daughters, or intend to date a daughter.
>  >
>  > Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be
> delivering
>  > a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
>  >
>  > Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at
>  > her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot
>  > keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
>  >
>  > Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of
> your
>  > age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off
>  > their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your
>  > friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded
> about
>  > this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with
>  > your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not
>  > object.  However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact,
>  > come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my
>  > electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your
> waist.
>  >
>  > Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
>  > utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me
> elaborate:
>  > when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
>  >
>  > Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk
> about
>  > sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this.
> The
>  > only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect
> to
>  > have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from
>  > you on this subject is "early."
>  >
>  > Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many
> opportunities
>  > to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my
>  > daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you
> will
>  > continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you
>  >  make her cry, I will make you cry.
>  >
>  > Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to
>  > appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you
> want
>  > to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is
>  > putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the
>  > Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do
>  > something useful, like change the oil in my car?
>  >
>  > Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
>  > daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a
>  > wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns
> within
>  > eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing,
>  > holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is
> warm
>  > enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff
> T-shirts,
>  > or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka
> zipped
>  > up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to
> be
>  > avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.
>  > Old folks homes are better.
>  >
>  > Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding,
>  > middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter,
>  > I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where
>  > you
>  > are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the
>  > whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and
>  >  five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
>  >
>  > Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to
> mistake
>  > the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a
> rice
>  > paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the
> voices
>  > in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to
> bring
>  > my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit
>  > your car with both hands in plain sight. speak the perimeter password,
>  > announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely
>  > and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come
> inside.
>  > The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
>  >
>  >
>  >
> 
> _______________________________________________________________
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