[nukkad] Great OneLiners........

[Jyoti.Damle@aventis.com]

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Some of them r really fundoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


>>"So you're writing a down-to-earth story?"
>>"Yes, about a parachute jumper."
>>
>>"Have you been to a zoo? I mean as a visitor?"
>>
>>I've watched so many mystery stories on T.V, when I
>>turn off the set I wipe my finger-prints off the dial.
>>
>>"Pardon me, young lady. I'm writing a telephone
>>book. May I have your number?"
>>
>>"Whom are you working for?"
>>"Same people. My wife and four kids."
>>
>>"Is that you, darling?"
>>"Yes, who is calling?"
>>
>>John: "I'm glad you named me John."
>>Mother: "Why?"
>>John: "Because that's what all the kids at school call me."
>>
>>My wife wanted to see the world, so I bought her an atlas.
>>
>>I shall continue to praise the English climate till I
>>die, even if I die of the English climate.
>>
>>Some people are easily entertained. All you have to
>>do is sit down and listen to them.
>>
>>Flattery is telling the other fellow what he thinks of himself.
>>
>>Rain - something that, when you take an umbrella, it doesn't.
>>
>>What can you expect from a day that begins with getting up in the
>>morning?
>>
>>I was born on the first of the month so they called me "Bill."
>>
>>Divorce has become so common that my wife and I
>>are staying married just to be different.
>>
>>Running after women never hurt anybody. It's the
>>catching that does the damage.
>>
>>She has been stopped by traffic cops they finally
>>gave her a season ticket.
>>
>>She is so modest, she just bought a bathing suit with sleeves.
>>
>>"Do you always bathe in muddy water?"
>>"It wasn't muddy when I got in."
>>
>>"Can you describe the missing cashier?"
>>"Sure. He is five feet tall and $7,000 short."
>>
>>"What is the worst month for soldiers?"
>>"A long March."
>>
>>"How old do you think I am?"
>>"You don't look it."
>>
>>The best time to miss a train is at a crossing.
>>
>>"How did you break your arm?"
>>"You see those porch stairs? I didn't."
>>
>>"Did you strike that man in the excitement?"
>>"No, Judge. I struck him in the stomach."
>>
>>"Doctor, you gave my wife arsenic instead of sleeping powder!"
>>"That's O.K. You only owe me ten cents."
>>
>>How did you get that black eye?"
>>"Her husband heard me cough in the closet."
>>
>>"They tell me you kiss with your eyes open."
>>"Yes I always look before I lip."
>>
>>I never stir the coffee with my my righthand.
>>I use a spoon.
>>
>>He is so polite, he wouldn't open an oyster
>>without knocking on the shell first.
>>
>>I was married for five years and never told
>>anybody. I like to keep my troubles to myself.
>>
>>She tried to bake her birthday cake but the candles melted in the oven.
>>
>>"Are you an avid reader?"
>>"I don't know. I never read Avid.
>>
>>"What book do you like the best?"
>>"My husband's cheque book."
>>
>>"You were the only survivor of the shipwreck. How come?"
>>"I missed the boat."
>>
>>It's so easy to milk a cow. Any jerk can do it.
>>
>>"Did you ever speak before a big audience?"
>>"Yes, I said 'Not Guilty'."
>>
>>A bath is something you take when you find yourself in hot water.
>>
>>If I don't pay alimony this month, can my wife repossess me?
>>
>>The best way to avoid a car accident is to travel by bus.
>>
>>"My advice, sir, is to keep the oil and change the car!"
>>
>>"We got a new baby in our house."
>>"What did you do with the old one?"
>>
>>"Quick, bring a hammer. There's a fly on the baby's head !"
>>
>>My wife and I have a joint account. I deposit and she draws it.
>>
>>"To what do you attribute your old age?"
>>"The fact that I was born a long time ago."
>>
>>We have an automatic air-conditioner. Everytime
>>the weather gets very hot it automatically breaks down.
>>
>>Antiques are things one generation buys, the next
>>generation gets rid off, and the following generation buys again.
>>
>>She's been married so many times that wedding bells
>>sound like an alarm clock to her.
>>
>>We feed our cows money and hope they will give us rich milk.
>>
>>"That's a beautiful pleated shirt you are wearing."
>>Those aren't pleats. It's the way my wife irons."
>>
>>Every time I ask what time it is I get a different answer.
>>
>>"She sure is a striking beauty."
>>"You said it! She slapped me twice."



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