[nukkad] The Difference Between Men and Women

["Nelson Fernandes" <>]

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   Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He
asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time.

       A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they
enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after
a while, neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

      Then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to
Elaine,   and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you
realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly
six months?"
       And then there is silence in the car. . . To Elaine, it seems
like a very  loud silence. She thinks to herself:  Gee, I wonder if it
bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been  feeling confined by our
relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into  some kind of
obligation that he want, or isn't sure of.

      And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

       And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this
kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more
space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep
going the way  we are, moving steadily toward. I mean, where are we
going? Are we just  going to keep seeing each other at this level of
intimacy? Are we heading  toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a
lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really
even know this person?
      And Roger is thinking: So that means it was ..let's see
..February when   we started going out, which was right after I had
the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer. Whoa!
I am way overdue for an oil change here.

       And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face.
Maybe I'm   reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our
relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed-even
before I sensed it-that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet
that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own
feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

     And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the

transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not
shifting right. And they  better not try to blame it on the cold
weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87  degrees out, and this
thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those  incompetent
thieves $600.
     And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be
angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't
help the way I feel. I'm  just not sure.

       And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day
warranty. Scumbags!

       And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting
for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting
right next to a perfectly good  person, a person I enjoy being with, a
person I truly do care about, a person who seems to  truly care about
me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, school  girl
romantic fantasy.
     And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give
them a warranty. I'll take  their warranty and stick it right up their
ass!!
      "Roger," Elaine says aloud.

      "What?" says Roger, startled.

     "Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes
beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I
feel so..."  (She breaks down, sobbing.)

   "What?" says Roger.

      "I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no
knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's
no horse."

      "There's no horse?" says Roger.

       "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

      "No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

       "It's just that... it's that I... I need some time," Elaine
says.
       (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he
can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with
one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says.

       (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you
really feel  that way?" she says.

       "What way?" says Roger.

      "That way about time," says Elaine.

      "Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

      (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing
him to   become very nervous about what she might say next, especially
if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

     "Thank you, Roger," she says.

     "Thank you," says Roger.

     Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted,
tortured soul, and weeps until dawn.

      Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on
the TV,  and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis
match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in
the farrecesses  of his mind tells him that something major was going
on back there in the car,  but he is pretty sure there is no way he
would ever understand what,  and  so he figures it's better if he
doesn't think about it.
       The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two
of them,  and they will talk about this situation for six straight
hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and
everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every
word,  expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering
every possible  ramification. They will continue to discuss this
subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any
definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

      Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual
friend of  his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and
say, "Norm, did  Elaine ever own a horse?"

       And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is the difference between men
and women!



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