[nukkad] Driving in India

["Praveen" <>]

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A brother is a friend given by nature. -Gabriel Legouve, writer (1807-1903)
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 This hilarious article was written by an Expert from
 Baan, Netherlands, who spent two years in Hyderabad..

Driving in India For the benefit of every Tom, Dick  and Harry visiting
India and daring to drive on Indian roads, I am
offering a few hints for survival. They are applicable to every place in
India  except Bihar, where  life outside a vehicle is only marginally safer.
Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where you do
your best, and leave the results to your insurance company. The hints are as
follows:
Do we drive on the left or right of the road? The answer is "both".
Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied. In that
case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied. Then proceed by
occupying the next available gap, as in
chess.Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed.
Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality. Most
drivers don't drive, but just aim their vehicles in the intended direction.
Don't  you get discouraged or underestimate yourself except for a! belief in
reincarnation, the other drivers are not in any better position. Don't stop
at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the road. You
may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back. Pedestrians have been
strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is moving slowly or has come
to a dead stop because some minister is in town. Still some idiot may try to
wade across, but then, let us not talk ill of the dead.
Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We horn to
express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and
bare lust (two brisk blasts), or, just mobilize a dozing cow in the middle
of the bazaar. Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read
them during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade, or
waiting for the rainwaters to recede when overground traffic meets
underground drainage.
Occasionally you might see what looks like a UFO with blinking colored
lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This
 is an illuminated bus, full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans. These
pilgrims go at breakneck speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often
meeting with success.
Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi): The result of a collision between a rickshaw and
an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an external combustion
engine that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote. This triangular
vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or passengers three times its
weight and dimension, at an unspecified fare. After careful geometric
calculations, children are folded and packed into these auto rickshaws until
some children in the periphery are not in contact with the vehicle at all.
Then their school bags are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so
those minor collisions with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent
damage. Of course, the peripheral children are charged half the fare and
also learn Newton's laws of motion enroute to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers
follow the road rules depicted in the film Ben Hur, and are licensed to
irritate.
Mopeds: The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like an
electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of
petrol and travels at break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too
rough for a ride, the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road;
they would rather drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them and
are often  "mopped"  off the tarmac.
Leaning Tower of Passes: Most bus passengers are given  free passes and
during rush hours, there is absolute mayhem. There are passengers hanging
off other passengers, who in turn hang off the railings and the overloaded
bus leans dangerously, defying laws of  gravity but obeying laws of surface
tension. As drivers get paid for overload (so many Rupees  per kg of
 passenger), no questions are ever asked. Steer clear of these buses by a
width of three passengers.
One-way Street: These boards are put up by traffic people to add jest in
their otherwise drab lives. Don't stick to the literal
 meaning and proceed in one direction. In metaphysical terms, it means that
you cannot proceed in two directions at once. So drive as you  like, in
reverse throughout, if you are the fussy type. Least I sound hypercritical,
I must add a positive  point also. Rash and fast driving in residential
areas  has been prevented  by providing a "speed breaker"; two for each
house.  This mound, incidentally, covers the water and drainage pipes for
that residence and is left untarred for easy identification by the
corporation authorities,  should they want to recover the pipe for year-end
accounting.
Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating  experience (for those
with the mental makeup of Chenghis Khan). In a
way, it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who
amongst the drivers is loaded. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon
turns out to be a truck attempting a speed record. On encountering it, just
pull partly  into the field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes.
Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not blink your
lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck is the
driver, and with the peg of illicit arrack (alcohol) he has had at the last
stop, his total cerebral functions add up to little more than a naught.
Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India, and are licensed to kill. Often
you may encounter a single powerful beam of light about six feet above the
ground. This is not a super motorbike, but a truck  approaching you with a
single light on, usually the left one. It could be  the right one, but never
get too close to investigate. You may prove your point posthumously.
Of course, all this occurs at night,on the trunk roads. During the daytime,
trucks are more visible, except that the drivers will never show any Signal.
(And you must watch for the absent signals; they are the greater threat).
Only, you will often observe that the cleaner who sits next to the driver,
will project his hand and wave hysterically. This is definitely not to be
construed as
a signal for a left turn. The waving is just an statement of physical relief
on a hot day.
If, after all this, you still want to drive in India, have your lessons
between 8 pm and 11 am-when the police have gone home and The citizen is
then free to enjoy the  'FREEDOM OF SPEED'  enshrined in our constitution.

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Having said all this, isn't it true that the accident  rate and related
deaths are less in India compared to US or other countries!!??
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