[nukkad] THE SHIFT KEY FAQ - VERSION 1.01

[Sameer Upadhye <>]

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Q.  My shift keys have little arrows on them.  Does that mean the
*real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just
little signs to point them out?

A.  Nope, they're the Real McCoy.  The little arrows mean "up", as in
"look up at the screen".  Your keyboard is telling you to learn to
touch type and quit staring at your fingers.

Q.  What happens if I press both shift keys?

A.  Even bigger letters may show up on your screen.  You should not
use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter,
and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing
if you were typing something naughty at the time.  You might consider
obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only
$139.95.  Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't
warn you.

q.  my religion prohibits the use of shift keys.  how can i type
capital letters and punctuation

A.  Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual advisor.
Perhaps your deity would not be angered by repeated use of the Caps
Lock key, or maybe you can retain a consultant to depress the shift
for you.  You might also consider replacing punctuation marks that
require the use of shift keys with lower case expressions; replace ?
with "huh" and !  with "zowie".

Q> I PRESSED SHIFT AND IT"S STUCK DOWN NOW>

A.  Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your
keyboard frequently?  If so, you may want to clean it off for more
reliable operation.  First, disconnect your keyboard by gripping each
of its ends firmly and pulling as hard as you can.

Next, immerse the keyboard in warm water and scrub thoroughly with
your favorite lemon-scented detergent and lots of steel wool.
Finally, you need to dry the keyboard.  Either dry it to touch with a
handheld blow-dryer, or place it it the dryer for not less than 60
minutes.  Be sure to clean the lint screen when you are finished.

Q.  Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard, but there are
two keys labeled "hif"?

A.  Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and
washing your hands more frequently for that matter.

Q.  Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?

A.  Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be
labeled with an excited Mac face, something like :O .  Press this key
to use shift, and be thankful you're using a friendly Mac instead of a
mean old PC with all them confusin' words 'n stuff on it.

Q.  I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big
letters. Is there any other way to do this?

A.  This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to
activate the shift key merely with the power of your voice!  Check to
see whether your computer is equipped with speech-recognition
equipment by saying the word "shift" very clearly and slowly into its
speaker.  Then watch the keyboard closely to see if the Shift key
moves down.  Note that you may have to repeat this action several
times to "train" the computer to recognize your voice before the
feature works reliably.

Q.  There are two shift keys, which should I use?

A.  Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between
the two.  Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them
in equal amounts.  Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad;
you should use this to make little tally marks in two columns for each
time you shift. Remember, it's better to go to a little trouble than
wind up with a broken shift key.

Q.  Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?

A.  They aren't.  This is simply an optical illusion.  Just as the
moon appears much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift
keys look larger because of their proximity to other keys.  To verify
this, go out in a large field at night with your keyboard, place it in
an upright position, and view it from a distance of 200 yards.  Sure
enough, the keys all look the same size!

Q.  If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times,
will my computer explode?

A.  No.  Well, generally no.  Not unless you are using a NEC laptop.
Or vt100 terminal emulation.  But even then, hardly ever.  Really,
don't worry about it.  Forget I mentioned it.  Just type softly.

--
Cheers

Sameer
mailto:sameer.upadhye@ae.ge.com
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