[nukkad] [TP] Funny ATC conversations

["Gurunath Maddulapalli" <>]

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Source :
http://www.businessballs.com/airtrafficcontrollersfunnyquotes.htm





real (allegedly) funny air traffic controllers conversations


These disturbingly funny conversations allegedly took place between air
traffic controllers and pilots around the world. They are included here
firstly and simply because many are very funny; secondly because the
collection provides examples of not so great communications and
relationships between 'customers and suppliers', in the context of
achieving quality of customer service and service delivery. There is
always room for well placed humour and/or firmness in organizational
communications, but when misplaced, effective inter-group working can be
undermined, especially when a little misogyny, xenophobia or arrogance
is thrown into the mix. These communications examples provide a wealth
of material also for for students of transactional analysis
<http://www.businessballs.com/transact.htm>  and effective
rapport-building <http://www.businessballs.com/empathy.htm> . If you
know the source of this collection of amusing air traffic control
discussions, or you have others to contribute, please contact us
<http://www.businessballs.com/contactus.htm> . The authenticity of these
alleged conversations cannot be guaranteed.



Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351:
"Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Centre, we are
at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever
heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

>>From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm
f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting,
identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing
bored, not f...ing stupid!"

Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one
o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always
wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a
hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are
not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the
lights and return to the airport."

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine
jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the
fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine
shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine
approach."

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich
overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our
start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you
must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a
German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice
from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost
the bloody war."

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency
124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the
way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end
of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind
Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that
report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for
takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our
caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short
of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,
turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted
comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little
plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about
to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of
DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for
another one."

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned
as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to
know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any
assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am
747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control
and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206:
"Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird
206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main
taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where
you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our
gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird
206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly):
"Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,...... and I didn't land."

Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US
Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose
to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out
at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you
going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right
on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the
difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to
the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now
you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You
stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect
progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go
exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got
that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew
responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell
terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted
to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of
mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running
high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his
microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"





Regards,



Gurunath M.

Project Manager



+44 (0)870 081 4989



Tech Mahindra (formerly Mahindra British Telecom)





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